Sassy in waiting (2022-24)

   What people tend to misunderstand is that it's not about the drugs. On their own, drugs are not that thrilling. It's about the pain. I'm a high-enough-functioning addict, but I don't need to get high  to  function. I just use to take away the pain. I'll stay perfectly clean as long as there's someone there to hold me tight, but the second he wants to let go, I'm back on whatever I can reach. I don't care about being high. I just don't want to be lonely.

   Serena and Maze might literally be the death of me. Their bodies, warm, soft, and welcoming. That coy, come-hither way they like to look at me. They make out with each other sometimes, too. I think they do it for me, but they don't need to. They wore me out tonight. I needed to feed again afterwards. I don't deserve such sweet, perfect blood. She tells me it's okay, it makes her feel alive. The way she looks at me, with those bright, blue-green eyes, trying so hard to trust me again, but I can still see the pain behind them. It makes me wish Luci was not so understanding. I know I deserve to be punished. Yet he houses me and insists only that I stay, to be with our Serena. I expected her to punish me, but she only wants to feed me and have me cuddle and make love to her. Taking her hunting with me excites her. Everything excites her. It's not easy to keep up. Perhaps that is my punishment-- an insatiable creature who wears lust like a cloak of furs and requires a dea...

   Xandy is such a delight! The way his body shakes for me when I'm on my knees for him, it's the best, most validating thing in the world. Maze and I took turns with him tonight until he couldn't take it anymore. I don't think I've ever seen him so sensitized before. It was delightful! Faustus has been keeping Luci pretty busy. I don't mind. He's wanted this for a long time, and he's finally stopped sniping at me for hooking. He did say he doesn't want Dorian to join them because he doesn't want Dorian to meet me. I think he's still a little jealous, and I think it bothers him that I'm not jealous of him.

  Talk about a BAD TRIP! Stumbling through the thick trees   Jacob   was running, and running. A hundred percent sure he was actually running from a pack of wolves and definitely not in Montana! His foot caught a branch sticking from the dirt and down he went hard. Conveniently straight out of the thick trees that ran along the side of the highway that ran from Falls end to Missoula. Tumbling down the slope and slamming into a fallen trunk he lay there for a moment his breath all but knocked out of him. At this point he nearly looked like he'd spent the past three days crawling around the undergrowth of the forest. Which he has, not long after the bad explosion down in the Henbane. Both triggered, hurt and so out of it on the Bliss he'd ended up in a very bad stupor and now twice he'd ended up merely snapping necks of three people he'd come across who'd thought it was smart to approach. Finally though, he just couldn't move. The howls were dying down and the hal...

   Xander is so handsome and sweet. He took me hunting today. He's been listening when I tell him about criminals who are horrendous human beings but get off due to either the skill of their defense lawyer or a flaw in the prosecution's case. Luci has given Xandy and me free rein to hunt them for sport. Seeing Xandy so brutal, so beautiful, so vicious, so glorious... it really does something to me. He does not drink from them, since he is bonded to me, but together we collect their blood-- slowly at first-- and then, should Xander's torture accidentally kill them, we collect the rest as they lay dying. We then harvest their organs, and if they have hair, we shave it to spin into twine. They might as well contribute something to society. Then we go home and make love, sometimes with Maze, sometimes just us. I have been falling even more in love with him by the day, and I think he feels the same for me. I give him blood and he gives me excitement!

   It was the not the first time L had ever receive chocolates strawberrys on Valentine's Day. Of course some of the former children of the orphanage would send him some. But this was the first time he receive them from someone he worked with. "These look rather expensive Light. You did not have to get me anything. We are not dating. Are you sure they are not for Misa?" Ryuzaki asked rasing a brow as he tried not to let his hunger for the delicious looking desserts just In case they were meant for someone else. Sadly his tummy disagreed with him and gargled.   "Misa has many chocolates from her adoring fans," Light said. "Actually, this... was a gift from her to me. She won't eat many sweets because they're fattening and she needs to keep her figure to work as an idol. So there are about twenty boxes at home. You're welcome to 19 of them. I see you constantly munching sweets while slouching in your chair." Light averted his eyes at that adm...

   I got a little duck plush today, and some more yarn. Duckie seems to dislike every man I take an interest in outside of our little group. I reminded him today that he had the chance to marry me months ago, chose not to, and chose to let Rebitcha's feelings dictate whether he should remain with Nathaniel and me. If he wanted say over whom I date, or more precisely, fuck, he shouldn't have let me let him go. Sigefrid is good to me. He sleeps well with me beside him. He wants me for drugs, sex, and comfort, but what's important is that he wants me. This is about a man I don't want to be romantically involved with, but it does still sadden me that Bloodhair no longer wants to be friends. He almost seemed to hate me when I last went to see him, but I remember us getting along perfectly well when we met. He liked my eyes. I am very proud of my eyes. My hair and lashes may be extensions, and I may have to keep myself in ruffle tops and chastity belts, but my eyes, at least,...

   Am I not beautiful? And if I am not, then my existence is more of a lie than I thought it to be. Maybe I should take Nathaniel's lead and exercise more, rather than spending the day seeking comfort cuddles from my men. I used to enjoy curling up in Xander's lap and being held by him. Now we cuddle in Luci's bed. He feeds daily now, like clockwork, and spends his time reading. I don't imagine he would want to be disturbed. At least he is here. I am content to snuggle up with Sigefrid while he sleeps off his drugs and drink. I've never known anyone so manly. He's a true warrior, a revelation, and my affection for him grows each day.

   What becomes of me? This time I spend here at Luci's whim. I am well-fed, with no need to hunt. I grow bored with myself. Shall I hunt for sport to entertain my Bonded? I rejected the idea once before, but if a murderous, psychopathic brute is what she requires of me, I'll have no choice but to revert to the monster I once was, for her enjoyment. Don't think I haven't noticed her slowly replacing me with that Swedish brute. His bloodlust fascinates her, as mine once did. Now I am forced to sit and watch as my Singer falls for someone else. Or not. Surely Lucifer won't object to me exacting a bit of vigilante justice for his wife's excitement? I used to take Maze hunting with me, why not Serena?

   I have turned my back on the Church of Night and the Academy, to live in California with Luci. He's allowing me to stay at Lux. I daresay it should get crowded there soon, the penthouse, at least. Luci shares his bed with Serena and Xander, and I sleep on one of the couches. I would prefer to conduct bedroom matters privately, and I do believe the vampire agrees with me, yet the Morningstars have no such scruples. Still, I prefer to lay with Luci when his spouse is out, which is often, and when the vampire is downstairs in the main club. Or perhaps they're down there together, I care not. I have asked Dorian to join me here as well. He and Luci got on when they met and having another pretty blond around isn't something he's likely to object to.

   I've figured it out. I am Serena Sublime, Rini Morningstar, a beautiful wild card. My purpose is to comfort and entertain. My purpose does not require me to feel. I was never real. Yet I do feel, as much as the real people do, even though no-one wants to hear or acknowledge it. I yearn, I cry, I love. My existence, such as it is, or is not... the illusion of my existence is marked by love. It is painful and rarely rewarding. Yet I cannot help but love and, selfishly, I am told, demand love in return. But do I believe I can receive it? Am I fit to receive it? Can an illusion be loved? More importantly, the side of me that does exist, Sebastian, can  he  be truly loved? Must I stay this illusory self to obtain some semblance of affection? My vampire and my Swede, they vastly prefer women. My best friend and my angel claim to love and desire me either way, but they both prefer women as well. The way Trent looked at me when he first saw Serena, I will never forget. Lu...

   One does hate to see her like this. It's crossed my mind to compel her vampire to seduce her, properly, on threat of making him  my  sex slave, to be shared with Serena of course, and Nathaniel, who's always had a bit of a crush on him. His creator couldn't make a straight man to save her life, which makes his words to my love even more appalling. But what would Serena do if it were to become known I'd forced his hand (among other things)? I've not compelled him to do anything except be here, yet. If I ask her what I should do, would she become paranoid? He should make love to her of his own accord, but I might make a suggestion, if he fails to do so. Or I might simply make a move on him myself. Perhaps an abuse of power, but he cannot refuse me, nor should he refuse Serena anything her heart desires.

 I believe I am now well enough to be by Sigefrid's side without being distracted worrying about Xander's and my relationship. Sigefrid is asleep. A drugged-out stupor, I've heard. I can relate. So, I will stay by his side and quietly entertain myself (not a euphemism) until he feels well, or until my vampire has need of me. Luci and I do make a pretty good match. We're both kinky and hate children. We're also both flighty and prone to boredom. That's something I could have done without us having in common. He insists he won't get bored of me, but how can I believe that of anyone? What if he comes to resent the contract that binds us together? He's told me so many times that it won't happen, and he doesn't lie... and yet... how can I trust anything anyone says? It's a wonder he hasn't lost patience with me. Duckie, too. We're sort of back together. Sigefrid is so nice to cuddle with. He's solid and warm and holds me so close in hi...

   Being with Luci these past few days has been like a dream come true. He is everything I had hoped and more. I've even eased up on bullying that maddening spouse of his, however much she may deserve it. Serena still seems to think Luci will grow bored and, if not leave, then become distant toward her. I'm quite surprised she doesn't seem to see me as competition. Perhaps she thinks her husband is merely humouring me. She clings to him, yes, yet she still requires her others. Suppose one of them were to demand her exclusivity? She has many talents, but the ability to remain monogamous is not among them. Notice I did not use the word "faithful". I did not comprehend it before, but now, being on the inside, as it were, I believe there to be a distinction between faithfulness and monogamy. Luci and Serena have a wholly open marriage. They tell each other everything and Serena will honour Luci's veto of any of her lovers. She's at his beck and call without qu...

   This has been a whirlwind of insanity. My Bashie loves me, loves Lucifer, loves Sigefrid, loves Xander, and I have a sneaking suspicion he likes our little bug and Dany as well. Luci told me when they met, Sebastian's greatest desire was me. Now he's in pieces if one of his lovers doesn't pay enough attention to him. Even I can't fully break him out of it. I agree with Faustus that Bashie is loyal to all of us. Little Bug and I are his best friends. He's Xander's faithful blood slave (to the point he has an existential crisis when not fed on enough). Luci clearly has no complaints with him as a spouse. And if Sigefrid texts Serena, she'll come running day or night. George is set to marry Nathaniel only days from now. George Plimpton. I guess it was inevitable. I never thought of myself as a jealous person, but these misadventures have brought out complexities in all of us. I can tolerate Rebecca having lovers, because after all these years I've become...

  Jacob , to Nathaniel [Accident? How the fuck is that an accident?] Accident? Yeah right the only way he could think the other male had gotten ahold of his number was either one of his own siblings on purpose OR the guy had actually pulled a fast one. Probably on John seeing as he'd have been the easiest to do that shit to. Especially if he'd been drunk arguing with or boning that weird bitch. Eyes slightly rolling Jacob pocketed the phone and moved to push back beneath the truck he was currently working in just outside the front of the old hotel and resort he'd most recently set up as base.   [I wish I could give you an answer to that],  Nathaniel  typed back, equally nonplussed. He had woken up to a Post-It on his phone with a number that said "Text Me!" and, like an idiot, had followed directions. He sent a picture of the Post-It now to the number. [Does that answer your question? & No, that's not my handwriting.]   [Wtaf that's kinda creepy]  Jaco...

   It's freezing cold at night, yet she insists on sleeping with a vampire. She'll wake up and fuss if he's not holding her tight enough. His presence seems to be helping with the night terrors, though. I've not needed t ogive the order to force him to be kind to her, which comes as a relief. Perhaps he does genuinely love her, but has been lost.

   I'm afraid Serena's been having night terrors again. I summoned her vampire and moved him in with us. She refuses to leave his side, yet she wakes up crying hysterically and needs to be sedated. It's been a vicious cycle. She may have forgiven him, but neither Trent nor I find ourselves ready to. She'll not let me punish him for breaking her heart and, while he does appear contrite, that doesn't undo the very real trauma he's exacerbated. I have insisted that either Trent or I be in the room with them to calm her down when needed. She did at least acknowledge it will take a while for her to trust him, re-homed or no. To that end, I've allowed her to keep their cat, Figaro. She was so excited to have a pet together with him, and the kitten will be a comfort to her if.... This was how she was in school, after Trent left, and even after he called her to California to join him. It's heartbreaking to see. Trent has been spiralling into guilt over her state...

The young dark haired man with purple eyes and Elf like ears walks through the area. He is 3/4th Neko and 1/4th Demi God but looks more like an Elf than anything but his Neko tail is hidden in his pants wrapped around his left leg. He looks around as he walks on*   Blaine tilts his head and looks at the strange boy. "Hello, can I help you?" he asks.   Hearing someone's voice he moves to the shadows afraid that he maybe someone here to return him to his master as he looks to the ground*"Please don't return me to Master Darkconah..."   "I do not know who or what that is, but you can stay with me if you wish" the young chancellor says.   Looks down still not use to being allowed to look to anyone's face without being beaten*"Thank you Sir. My name is Gaurdian or Gaudi for short incase you was wondering my name. "*He was use to not being allowed to call anyone by name*   "Er, yes... I'm Blaine. Father Menchineel, officially, but ...

   I think Xander and I broke up. It hurts. Maybe it's just a fight because he's been overwhelmed, or maybe it goes to show that people always leave. The MC hates me, with a few exceptions. Sigefrid isn't around, nor is Dany. Erik won't tell me how I can prove myself. There's no use for me anymore. Not right now, anyway. I haven't been okay for a very long time. I went from being a kickass lawyer to being a needy husk of a person. Maybe I've always been a husk and the lawyer was just a façade. Trent will take me back if I ask him to, but would that make things worse right now? It's a complicated situation. I'd better not ask him. I can wait a little while for tings to clear up. I reckon maybe Xander and his friends need some space from us. I love him so much. I'm not letting go-- let it be known, I did try to fight-- fight for us-- but what if it made things worse? What if I phrased things poorly and pushed him away further? Time will tell, and r...

   I feel badly for Freya. It's possible she just lost her husband. Foolish, cunning man with his foolish, cunning plans. Yeah, I gave her plenty of grief, to cover for the fact that I was warming up to her. Would George have approved, considering how he reacted to me sleeping with Lucifer? Maybe I shouldn't have been such a dick to her. She probably didn't grow up with "boys will be boys" and "if he pulls your hair it means he likes you." Now that I think about it, that's an outdated notion anyway. I met some new people. I'm cautiously optimistic.

   What is there to say? I let things go too far. It was my responsibility to rein Sebastian in, but I didn't, and now look what's happened. Rebecca will be a different person for some time. Who knows how long? If or when she ever goes back to her previous self, will we be able to reconcile one mode with another? I didn't want to break up with her, nor did Nathaniel with George. How will Sebastian get along with these new modes? I've been effectively banned from being around Sebastian's new biker friends. I was only trying to protect my best friend. They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. It looks like Luci, Maze, and I will get to know each other a lot better, then.

  Perhaps she never knew what she meant to me. I certainly never expected a woman like her. Yet it seemed that, towards the end, everything I said was precisely the wrong thing. Constance was breeding stock. Freya was something else entirely. The plans for the new Church have been put on hold indefinitely. Would this be an appropriate time for a grand gesture, or are we better off leaving well enough alone? None of us know what to do. Our world is in shambles. There can be no replacing Freya. Trent, I don't understand. I poke at Serena constantly and he's never reacted as badly as he did to Erik, possibly because I never made her cry. Did Serena make Rebecca cry? Did Nathaniel make Freya cry? Should I have perhaps intervened? It's too late for any of that now. I know I was born to be with Freya. If she won't take me back, what's to become of me? Would she be amused or upset if I told her about the time I wrote "WHORE" on Serena's mirror? Of course, Luc...

   This unseasonable cold chills me to the bone. We are all guilty. We are all worthy of punishment. Who knows if we shall be forgiven? Rini, my beautiful Serena, is devastated. She won't eat, won't drink except to take "something for the pain", both wans to sleep and doesn't want to sleep. Yes, I'm rather cross with Faustus. He let a good thing go. Nathaniel is a foolish boy acting the way foolish boys do. Trent was passive when he should have asserted himself, and aggressive when he should have left well enough alone. There may be a glimmer of hope yet. Rini hasn't completely lost the will to live. She just wants to hibernate, but can't seem to get to sleep. She misses her vampire, both the monster she fell in love with and the man he was becoming. Certainly I could command him to come back, but he wouldn't quite be himself. He'd be different, unsatisfactory. And more importantly, if/when he came back to himself, he would be furious. Best to ...

   "Did you hear the one about me being a punk? Did you hear the one about me being a drunk? Did you hear the one about me losing my nerve? Or how I'm just another fucking sheep in the herd? Did you hear about the money, how it made me change? So funny to me, all the time that they waste. Did you hear the one about me giving a shit? Cause if I ever did I don't remember it. You can be me and I will be you. You can live just like a star. I'll take my sanity, you take the fame. I'm under and over it all (I'm under and over it) Did you hear the one about me playing the game? Selling my soul and changing my name. Did you hear the one about me being a prick? Did you know I don't care? You can suck my... Did you hear the one about me trying to die? Fist in the air and a finger to the sky. Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth? C'est la vie... adiós... good riddance... fuck you!" Artist. Five Finger Death Punch Song. Under and Over it Muse....

  //After some Sutterverse events in side chat with Ní. -- Luci scooped Serena up and carried her to a couch, where he sat with her in his lap. She curled up into him and stared blankly into space, resting her head against him as he wrapped his arms round her. He tried to engage her in conversation once or twice, but she either wouldn't or couldn't speak anymore, so after a little while, he simply teleported them home to Lux. Lucifer stripped and bathed his still-listless spouse, who nestled into his touch but wouldn't relinquish the thousand-yard stare. Face set in stone, as though breaking down crying once again was somehow forbidden. "Sebastian," Lucifer said finally, when the water had gone cold, "come to bed with me." It took a moment for Sebastian to process that Lucifer meant for him to come to bed as himself, not as Serena. He had been in a sort of trance, not even realizing he was naked or even where he was, not even noticing that Luci had tied ...

   So now Erik knows who I really am. He still doesn't trust me. I don't know how else to explain to him that I care too much about Sigefrid to ever hurt him. At least Dany has been nice. He apparently notices my moods enough to have been surprised at me getting weepy last night. It's good to be seen. He let me cuddle up with him. I think I must have dozed off in his arms. I couldn't help it. His presence was just so comforting. I hope he got some sleep, too.

  Trent to Erik, texting: [This is Trent! Serena is making me apologize to you for attacking you! I won't do it again, as long as you stop treating her like shit   ¯\_ʕ ツ ʔ_/¯ Pass that along to your friends!  😁  SO good to speak to you!] Erik: [Suck a DICK Trent. Seriously. A big gnarly infested fucking dick. And mind your OWN GOD DAMN BUSINESS! You wanna see like shit? Watch this mother fucking shit!  🖕 ] Trent: [I don't suck dick! & how my BEST FRIEND is treated is my business! You'd do the same on behalf of your brother! I have no idea what she sees in him, but I respect her decision to ruin her life caring about you all! I'll see you around!  😁 ] Erik: [Well then I guess you won't care about what I do next. Now lose my number and don't let me catch your ass anywhere near here bitch.  👌 ] Trent: [IF YOU MAKE HIM BREAK HER HEART I WILL DESTROY YOU]   Serena, to Erik, texting: [FUCK MAN I AM SO SORRY ABOUT TRENT! Just found out today - t...