//After some Sutterverse events in side chat with Ní.
--
Luci scooped Serena up and carried her to a couch, where he sat with her in his lap. She curled up into him and stared blankly into space, resting her head against him as he wrapped his arms round her. He tried to engage her in conversation once or twice, but she either wouldn't or couldn't speak anymore, so after a little while, he simply teleported them home to Lux.
Lucifer stripped and bathed his still-listless spouse, who nestled into his touch but wouldn't relinquish the thousand-yard stare. Face set in stone, as though breaking down crying once again was somehow forbidden.
"Sebastian," Lucifer said finally, when the water had gone cold, "come to bed with me."
It took a moment for Sebastian to process that Lucifer meant for him to come to bed as himself, not as Serena. He had been in a sort of trance, not even realizing he was naked or even where he was, not even noticing that Luci had tied back his extensions into a braided bun. He blinked in confusion but nodded, got up out of the tub, and dried himself off. Lucifer did the same, then they walked to their bed together hand-in-hand.
They made love for hours, as rough as Lucifer was willing to go. Sebastian had gotten frustrated with him in the past for holding back, and indeed, Luci didn't quite understand why Sebastian felt the need to be brutalized in bed. Lucifer was far from vanilla, but the things Sebastian asked of him would have killed Sebastian if not for the feather in his spine.
"Do you truly want to die?" Lucifer asked at one point between rounds, when Sebastian was catching his breath.
"Am I alive?" Sebastian responded. "I exist, but do I live? What for? Do you love me as your husband or your wife? Would you have gone looking for me if I hadn't been checking in?" He rolled onto his side and cast a baleful look at Lucifer. "Have you not found someone to replace me by now?"
"You know that isn't going to happen," Lucifer said, answering Sebastian's look with one of sheer disappointment. "Nathaniel asked me to cheer him up. I obliged him. I've not been with anyone else besides you since then. How many times must I remind you that I vowed to stay with you as long as you need me? Or that I fell in love with you as Sebastian and it doesn't matter to me what guise you take? If someone else intended to marry you, I'd step aside, certainly, but I'd not be happy about it."
Sebastian still didn't understand. "How could you love a creature like me?" he asked. "What is there to love? I devoted myself to one man for over 20 years and in the end, he chose the fat slut from college over me. She made such a stink about him wanting to be with men who truly appreciate and love him that Nathaniel and I were basically forced to break up with him. I still love him, Lucifer! I don't understand-- I became Serena so that he'd be more attracted to me, yet he also says he prefers me as Sebastian. But it doesn't matter either way because he chose a woman over me. Xander obviously prefers women; you heard what he said the other day. And you-- the persona you helped me pick out is exactly your type, isn't it? A glamorous, curly-haired blonde girl. I go out, looking like that, and dozens of men want me, some of them even after they find out what I am underneath the clothes and the hair. I try to keep myself occupied and forget that Xander ...still won't just bite me without me basically demanding it from him, he thinks I'm too needy, he-- he's gone again and I don't--" Sebastian sniffled and wiped his face on his pillow.
"So I think to myself, who should I be? Sebastian wasn't worth sticking around for, so maybe Serena will be, but I still have to be able to switch between the two for work. I don't know if going under the knife would make me feel better or worse, but I don't think it would be possible anyway, not with the feather. And it's fine, mostly. Sigefrid puts up with me, but who knows how long that will last? You're with me because we signed a contract--"
"Do you remember why I signed that contract?"
Sebastian sighed. "I ran away with Nathaniel after he and George had a fight. We were going to get married in Vegas, but the County Clerk's office was closed so we couldn't get the license. Trent tagged along to keep us out of trouble and when he called George to tell him what was going on, George convinced Nathaniel not to go through with it. Then I started to write Trent's name in, but he stopped me. Then you showed up and wrote your name in so I wouldn't go back to Covina all alone." He recited these facts dully, as if he'd been over them a million times in his mind, which he had.
"That's how I signed the marriage license. Do you know why I went through with the wedding?"
Sebastian scoffed. "Because you thought I'd eat my gun if you didn't, and for some reason you think we'll be separated after I die?"
Lucifer frowned and pulled Sebastian closer to him, cradling him close and stroking his back. "You and Nathaniel both had been seeking comfort from me for weeks when you had misunderstandings with the others. But you and I first met when you were in college."
"I think I remember you telling Nathaniel. You saved my life. Which I didn't ask you to; there was a reason I took what I did, but... thanks? I guess?"
"You had almost completely crossed over. Bringing you back was probably among the most selfish things I have ever done."
Sebastian blinked up at him. "Hell is for the guilty. I was guilty. I was consumed by it when he left. I hated myself for helping him stalk Rebecca. I would have relived all of that for eternity. That's how you told me it works, right?"
Lucifer nodded. "Correct. It was selfish because I didn't want to see your light snuffed out, as corny as that sounds. I wanted to know you, here, on the mortal plane. I didn't understand what I felt for you until years later, but between your graduation from law school and the day you approached me, you kept yourself well enough in order."
"Trent asked me to be his lawyer. We moved in together, then I bought the house next door. I didn't need the drugs anymore. Then Rebecca contacted him and I lost him again. I almost had him back, the second time she put him in the hospital, but then she had a change of heart and decided she wanted him after all. Then when she noticed Nathaniel and me noticing him, she stamped her feet about it. I took him away, somewhere we could be together, alone. But the way I did it scared him, and he bolted. He was my first... everything. I returned most of his stuff and I cried for a whole day.... Then I went to meet you. I'd heard you were living in LA and I was curious. You know the rest."
"I know it all by heart, I'm afraid," Lucifer said. "What you don't seem to realize, even though I know Trent, Nathaniel, and I have all explained it to you numerous times, is that I've no intention of leaving your side, contract or no contract. I married you so that you wouldn't feel so alone. I'd have wanted to be with you regardless. You wanted us to have an open marriage so that you could be with Trent. Now you want to keep it an open marriage so that you can be with Xander and Sigefrid. That doesn't bother me, but aside from the encounters you're already aware of, I've no intention to find a new lover."
Sebastian shook his head. "I didn't ask for an open marriage because of Trent. I didn't want to limit you. I love Trent, and yes, I was dumb enough to hope that MAYBE he'd choose his loyal and loving best friend over some flighty bitch who'd hurt him more times than I can count. But you... You could have anyone you want with a snap of your fingers. What could you possibly see in me? And don't say that it's the light of my soul or whatever. That light was snuffed out long ago. I'm an empty husk made of obsession and yearning and other people's hair and clothes."
"I don't have an answer that will satisfy you," Lucifer said. "You argue for a living, and you'd find fault with any trait that I listed. At best, you'd panic about someday losing those qualities. Your poor self-esteem is so deeply ingrained that I'm not certain loving you for a hundred years, or even a thousand, could pull you out of it. Yet even so, there's something in you that demands to be acknowledged and appreciated, otherwise you wouldn't protest when those boys speak to you the way they do."
"How did you--?"
"Trent told me. He has a feed on your cell phone's camera and microphone."
"Of course he does," Sebastian sighed. "Look, I know you don't approve. But thank you for not interfering. Anything anyone close to me does, they're going to hold against me by association. I don't know if I got through to Trent, but they're really pissed off at me because of what he did to Erik."
"Yes, well, I'll talk to him, but he's worried about you, and I can say the same. I haven't seen you this depressed in years. I wouldn't blame you if you started using again."
"You know I can't. Xander--"
"Has not been feeding on you. You said so yourself. Stop offering yourself to him. When he gets hungry enough, he can go and find you, then you can summon me to draw out any impurities from your system."
Sebastian considered that, then nodded, snuggling up even closer against Luci. "Thank you," he murmured. "I thought you wouldn't miss me or notice I was gone."
"Speaking of which... You need to be careful how you conduct yourself in that club."
Sebastian looked cross. "I think I've made it pretty clear I'm not going to screw them over. And I'll be nice to them if they're nice to me. Why should I be a doormat just because they don't trust me?"
"That's not what I meant. Be careful with how you act around Dany. He doesn't have the most savory reputation."
"... I've been nothing but nice to Dany. I don't have a problem with him. In fact, he's one of the only ones who doesn't seem to have a problem with me."
Lucifer sighed. "Very well. Don't say I didn't warn you. Now, shall I show you again how glad I am to have you back?" he asked with a little spank.
"Ooh~ yes, please!"
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