I've figured it out. I am Serena Sublime, Rini Morningstar, a beautiful wild card. My purpose is to comfort and entertain. My purpose does not require me to feel. I was never real.
Yet I do feel, as much as the real people do, even though no-one wants to hear or acknowledge it. I yearn, I cry, I love. My existence, such as it is, or is not... the illusion of my existence is marked by love. It is painful and rarely rewarding. Yet I cannot help but love and, selfishly, I am told, demand love in return. But do I believe I can receive it? Am I fit to receive it? Can an illusion be loved?
More importantly, the side of me that does exist, Sebastian, can he be truly loved? Must I stay this illusory self to obtain some semblance of affection? My vampire and my Swede, they vastly prefer women. My best friend and my angel claim to love and desire me either way, but they both prefer women as well. The way Trent looked at me when he first saw Serena, I will never forget. Luci is making a show of making love to only Sebastian. It is kind of him, but though he never lies, does it necessarily follow that he is sincere? Still, I enjoy the comfort, the warmth of him. If it is an illusion, then it's another one I'm in no hurry to break. Sigefrid did basically say he wouldn't mind-- after he learned Sebastian and I are one and the same, he asked if I'd become a sheep or something when we.... So, that means he still wants to. My fondness for him increases. As for Xander, he is with me because Luci commanded it, not out of love for either Serena or Sebastian. Did he love me once? Was my blood his favorite, or did he merely wish to charm me? How could he have been so reluctant to drink from me when he returned? I forgave him, I wanted him back more than I wanted my pride, but my heart is not yet healed.
I don't dare ask my other men to comfort me in his stead. I don't deserve it. Even if I did, it would be far too much to ask. Luci and Duckie make an attempt. Sweet of them.
Sigefrid is not particularly sentimental. He doesn't waste his breath on pretty words. I respect that. I like many things about him, and he can be affectionate when it suits him. I trust his brand of kindness. I am useful to him, and I am proud to be. Am I greedy for wanting him to feel the same for me as I feel for him? For now, as long as I can feel the warmth of him, I am content with my standing. He lets me cook for him. He lets me sleep beside him. Sometimes he does more than just sleep, more than just cuddle, and I enjoy every second of it, every minute, sometimes even every hour, if I'm particularly fortunate. He's so-- and his stamina-- I don't think I'll ever go back to sex work. After having had him, even 8 or 13 men a night couldn't come close to satisfying my appetite. Not that hooking was ever as satisfying as making love to Luci or Trent, but it was a way to simulate the feeling of being loved when they were busy. I try not to expect Sigefrid to love me, so sex between us is different. I did initially attempt to seduce him, but sleeping with me-- with me-- with me-- was his own choice.
As for Xander, I will never again ask him to. What he said was too painful. I will try to content myself with being his blood slave, his pretty pet human. He does not love me. I was foolish to expect him to. Maze isn't too happy with him, either. Is it solidarity, or is it because he left her, too? Her pride was injured, but did he break her heart? Or was she wise enough to keep it locked away?
I thought I had forgiven him. I wanted to. I want us to go back to being us. I want to believe what he had said about knowing love through me. But it doesn't make sense. He must have simply said charming things so I would feed him. But I would feed him regardless. He needs me, love or none.
Doesn't he?
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