[in high school, after Trent turned him down]
Yeahhhh I’m going to have to retcon the hell out of what I’d already written in order to make this work. Originally, Trent had had no idea Sebastian had feelings for him. Then as their dynamics evolved, I decided he had an inkling but didn’t know how deeply it went. Now… ehehe… I don’t even know, man. But then again, I don’t have to canonize this.
I also cleaned this up a hell of a lot, because I feel like at this point, Sebastian’s kinks have been established well enough that no-one needs to read about them over and over and over again. Also I’m tired of my editor making “yuck” noises whenever they come up 🙄
Also, contrast this with how Troy handled being rejected romantically by Aemond. I like to think I did decently at showcasing different reactions by different characters.
Trent’s reasoning was that he didn’t want them to end up like his parents: whirlwind relationship in high school, married at 18, divorced when Trent was ten after his father had had a baby with his mother’s sister. Sebastian was extremely hurt. “You’re underestimating what we have. You’d never—and you know I’d never—”
“Let’s just wait until we’re in college, okay?” Trent asked. “I just feel like if I sleep with you now, there’ll be no going back.”
“Why would you want to go back?” Sebastian asked as he was leaving, too quietly for Trent to catch the words.
As the silly girls at school reminded Sebastian constantly, he was a good-looking guy, all lean muscles and delicate features. At least half the cheer squad had a crush on him, which overlapped with most of the cheer squad thinking he was gay. When things were tense between him and Trent during practice, their captain, Michelle, took Sebastian aside and asked if they’d broken up.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sebastian replied, “but I won’t mess up our routine, don’t worry.” He knew how to put on a face, how to perform.
And he did. He performed cheer routines as perfectly as he ever had, but he didn’t talk much outside that. He no longer had input during class discussions, but his grades remained flawless. He went to every party he was invited to and drank his weight in illicit alcohol. He let girls ask him out and doll him up, and he went on every date he was asked on.
Trent was worried. He hated how far apart they were drifting. He also hated seeing his Bashie going out so much and coming home drunk. He’d started taking clothing and makeup tips from the Goth crowd; while he was just as beautiful to look at, it was a painful reminder of how much he was changing, because of Trent. He talked to his mom about it, but Bethany had been less than sympathetic.
“I don’t think you have the right to tell him how to grieve,” she told him. “Unless he’s bringing home pills or needles, give him space and let him cope.”
“Mom, all I said was that I wanted to wait till we were at college before getting together!” Trent protested. “I didn’t say I don’t want him! I said I didn’t want us to end up like—" He stopped short and looked away.
Bethany shook her head at him, clearly disappointed. It explained, at least, why Bash had moved into the guest room. Bethany suspected the only reason he hadn’t moved back in with his parents was because she was willing to fund all his dates.
“Just worry about your homework and chores, Trent,” she said. “He’ll be fine.”
“I miss him,” Trent said miserably, but he went and did his homework as he was told.
Within a couple weeks, Sebastian stopped going out on dates and did, in fact, move back in with his parents. Living under the same roof as the boy he loved, being looked at with pity, was too painful. He didn’t say a word to his parents and, as long as he kept his grades up, they didn’t ask.
Now, instead of taking girls out, he let them approach him at parties and at lunch. The ones who lived nearby, he’d go off-campus with during lunch. He did everything short of actual sex. He couldn’t go that far. But nothing was stopping him from going to third base with every girl who wanted him to. He was wholly indifferent to it, and to them, but it was something to do besides cry over Trent.
He told each girl beforehand, “I’m not gonna date you and I’m not gonna call you. I’m also not gonna tell anyone.” It was the most speech he ever uttered anymore.
One day, he had had to skip his afternoon classes. The school had called first his parents, then Trent’s. Bethany had picked up and said Sebastian wasn’t feeling well and must have eaten something that didn’t agree with him. It wasn’t exactly true, but Sebastian was grateful for her discretion.
The girl he’d been with today at lunch had had a particularly powerful orgasm. Sebastian’s makeup and T-shirt had been ruined, but it was the first time he’d gotten hard fooling around with a girl. He’d reveled in licking her clean.
“I changed my mind,” he’d said afterwards. “I’m calling you tonight.”
“You can’t—” she’d protested. “Please. My boyfriend’s taking me out tonight. He can’t know about this. Please don’t tell him.”
He’d stared at her blankly until she’d ceased her babbling, then said, “I don’t give a fuck about your boyfriend,” and stormed out.
He’d wiped himself off with his shirt and thrown it away, then hopped a bus to the farm, ignoring the driver’s protests. He’d gone straight to the shower, scrubbed himself clean, and crawled in the bed. Bethany had known exactly what happened; she’d smelled it on him the second he came through the door.
“Wait till after school next time,” she’d told him. She didn’t need to. He felt bad about skipping class and practice, and worse about putting her in a position to lie to the school.
Trent was less understanding. After school, he burst into the guest room—where Bethany must have told him Sebastian was—and angrily demanded, where the hell was Sebastian today?
Sebastian just glared at him. “Fuck off,” he muttered.
“No!” snapped Trent, angrier than Sebastian had ever seen him. “Mom won’t say anything to you, so I have to!”
“FUCK OFF!” Sebastian repeated, throwing a pillow at him. “She’s right, you need to mind your own fucking business!”
“You are my business!” Trent caught the pillow and brought it to the bed. He hauled Sebastian up by the arm and dragged him outside. “You want to fight me on this, Sebastian, huh? Go right ahead and hit me if you’re going to hit me!”
Sebastian wasn’t dumb enough to get in a physical fight with Trent. The guy was built like a linebacker.
“What. Happened.” Trent folded his arms and stared Sebastian down.
Sebastian scoffed at him. “I don’t think you want to know.”
“What I want is for you to stop acting like a child just because you have to wait a couple years to sleep with me! I didn’t say no, I said wait, and if you cared what I wanted, you’d man up and wait!”
“Fuck your self-righteous bullshit!” Sebastian shouted. “Fine! You want to know what happened? I went to some girl’s house at lunch and she gushed all over me while I was eating her out, okay? That’s why I didn’t come back to school. Happy? Are you fucking satisfied, Trent?”
Trent stared at him, dumbstruck, for a moment before asking, “… Are-are you?” But he sounded more curious now than combative.
Sebastian laughed despite himself, and shook his head. “We didn’t get farther than that. I told her I’d call her and she freaked out. I came right home and took a shower.”
“Oh.” Trent didn’t really know how to process that. He wanted to pull his best friend into his arms, hold him, kiss him, find out what would satisfy him… but it was impossible. But, he noticed, at least Sebastian still thought of the Maddock farm as home.
“Um…” Sebastian rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Speaking of showers, how have you been doing, with the water and all?”
Trent grimaced. “I’ve been spot-washing,” he said. “And I think… maybe I should help you clean up more.”
Sebastian thought he’d done a pretty thorough job, and he and Trent being naked together, washing each other, would be… so tempting. So heartbreaking. “Duckie, I… I don’t know…”
“Mom’s not going to want you smelling like that at the dinner table,” Trent pointed out. Sebastian smarted at the idea that Trent wasn’t tempted at all. Why did he have to be so infuriatingly pure?
“Fine,” he relented.
Holding Trent steady while Trent bathed him felt like home. He didn’t want to fight, and besides, forcing himself to stay away had felt unnatural. He told Trent this, and how drinking and making out with chicks at school dulled the pain for a minute but felt empty afterwards. How all the wanted to do was sleep, but he kept up with school because he was terrified he was going to backslide into being dumb like he was before he’d met Trent. How he’d only been aroused this one time by anyone other than Trent but he probably wouldn’t recognize her face at school tomorrow.
Listening to all this, Trent just held him and methodically washed him clean. He’d lied when he’d said Bashie needed another shower. Trent needed it. Needed to feel his most cherished friend in his arms. Whether he believed it or not, Sebastian was his everything. He couldn’t bear to lose him the way his mom had lost his dad. He really didn’t like that Sebastian was as good as sleeping around, but showing that jealousy would just lead to another fight. He didn’t dare ask his Bashie for anything except to keep holding him until the water ran cold.
They didn’t say a word to each other as they got out, dried off, and put on pajamas. But they did rest together on Trent’s bed as Trent showed Sebastian his class notes and read the assigned chapters out loud to him. Sebastian cuddled up and listened, lulled into a state of tranquility by Trent’s voice and the scent of his room.
They didn’t fight after that. Sebastian kept playing with girls—now after school—and drinking, but he came home to Trent every night. For his part, Trent was okay with Sebastian doing “everything but” with him. He liked having Sebastian’s hands and mouth all over his body, but all he could do in return was kiss him. It was an acceptable compromise for both of them.
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