Sassy in waiting (2022-24)

   How dare he. How dare he hurt my friend like this. I'll have to make it clear he's never getting me back and it ought to be brutal.

   I need to go to sleep for a while. Reading things over from when Xander and Maze were together makes me realize just how little he actually loves me. He just thinks he should be with me because I demanded it after we learned I'm his Singer. But it's meaningless. He danced with her, made love to her, took her out, proposed to her all without a second thought. So this is goodbye for now. As far as anyone's concerned, I'm spending time with a vampire who actually desires and appreciates me.

   Serena's a beautiful girl who makes beautiful things. She doesn't see it that way. She clings to her vampire. She left everyone else, including me. She asked her vampire to kill me when I asked her out again. She wants him to love her enough to kill for her, but he doesn't have what it takes. Maze called off the hit. I'd say she saved my life, but she told him she was going to torture me. I convinced Serena to let me take her to the monster truck show. I told her she deserves to be with someone who will take her out and show her off without her having to ask for it. I'm right and she knows it. There's someone else who sees it too, a new one she met, a vampire. She's tempted by him. He  knows , not because he sensed it but because she freely told him, and it didn't curb his interest in her in the slightest. He's a better man than I am; more importantly he's a better man than her bonded vampire. He'd show her a good time if she let him, but ...

   Xandy sat me down and explained things. He loves me a lot, but it was my bad luck that I suggested things that scare him. He also says he's not used to being forward or open. I guess with other girls, it was a matter of intrigue or practicality, and he's moving slower with me because he likes me and he's worried about messing things up. Whatever I need to believe, right?

   "It's okay to feel hurt and upset, but don't hurt yourself or others" is such a line of bullshit. Why should I not hurt others if I'm being hurt? What difference does it make if I'm hurting myself or someone else is doing it for me? And, most importantly, why should anyone's feelings matter more to my loved ones than mine? I poured out my heart to Xander and it feels like he'd rather do anything but see me. I hate feeling neglected like this and I can't just turn it off. Maybe Luci and I should go away together somewhere. If They're not around, it means I get him all to myself again. He's really good to me. Yeah. If Xander has better things to do than go out with me or even talk to me, why should I wait around for him? Luci and I are overdue for that rafting trip, anyway. We can plan another trip for the group, since I know Nathaniel and George want to come, and maybe Syria, Blaine, and Maze as well. And then tomorrow, Luci and I can go ...

   I love my Xandy, but he can be so silly sometimes! I hope he loves me, I do, it's just... why doesn't he ask me out? My friends and I thought, okay, not every guy is into anal, so maybe he won't want to sleep with me, but maybe we could do something intimate that isn't necessarily sexual, like dancing. So Faus suggested dancing, but that made Xander freeze up as well! He agreed to it, but... oh, why couldn't he just ask me himself? On top of that, this girl Syria showed up interested in  my  Lucifer. She's not really his type, but he'll be polite, anyway. He told Rebecca, months ago, that he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. Syria approached us much the same way as Freya: shy, polite, claiming she doesn't want to disrupt anything. I'm indifferent to her as a person, but I don't really want Luci to be distracted by her when he could be needed by me. Because what if Xander's just being polite so I won't fight with him? The look Syria ...

   The week before my 18th birthday, I was... There was a car accident. I should not have survived. In another lifetime, maybe I wouldn't have. It's been fifteen, almost sixteen years since that day, yet I still look exactly the same. Fifteen years, ten months. One day. I think about it sometimes, in between hazes of marathon sex and self-pity. I thought I saw something that day, a flash of something red, then something white, both brilliant and beautiful. Usually I brush it off as delirium, but lately, I've wondered if it couldn't have been something else. -- Six years, one week later, my first love left me blindsided and alone. I'd done things for my Duckie that I had never done, and thought I would never do, for anyone else. There was no shame in it. I adored Trent, loved him more than my own life. Besides, I knew how to get away with everything I'd done, so why should I feel anything other than proud that I could help him? Except... Helping him meant enablin...