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July 12, 2023 | Amnesiac Sebastian's diary

  I’m accustomed to being mistaken for gay, but this time I think Nathaniel may have had a point. I’m attracted enough to women. I have no problem sleeping with them. But I don’t think I’d want a long-term relationship with one. It’s not just because I’ve loved Duckie my whole life. Yes, I’d do anything for him. I’m basically his Paula. But now that he’s unavailable, I’ve noticed I’m drawn to other men, strong and powerful, who can soothe me and take care of me.

I’ve found I don’t really care for the club scene. I look like a twink, so I can flirt with pretty much anyone and get away with it, but I noticed I get too attached after one-night stands.

I don’t know what to make of Lucifer and Xander. Luci’s been stalking me since I was 17. I’m flattered, but I’m not sure what he sees in me. He’s attracted to pretty blondes, but he’s a nightclub owner; he’s surrounded by them. He’s been unfailingly kind to me, but maybe that’s part of a contract I don’t remember making.

Xander is an unknown quantity. He’s indicated that we were close. I want to believe that. Nate says I slept with him a couple times. One of the girls says I’m “of course” his type.

But there’s something, deep in my bones, that feels like a mixture of dread and doubt. He was the first person I saw when I woke up. He was worried about me. But….

He seems frustrated that I don’t remember him. Duck says it’s probably better that I don’t. What does he mean? Duckie’s always been honest with me, but he’s also optimistic to the point of naïveté. If he says it’s better that I don’t remember the vampire I’m bonded to, something must have happened that shook even Duckie’s tendency to extend the benefit of the doubt.

I haven’t done any digging. I don’t want to know. Xander seems nice enough. Maze says he’s “real nice,” and she seems to mean it, so… why doesn’t Duckie think so?

This other vampire, Marius, seems interested in me. I shot him down since I’m apparently bonded to Xander, and Marius isn’t really my type anyway. He still flirts with me, but maybe he’s like that with everyone. And then there’s the cute redhead I keep running into at my favorite diner, but… should I even be noticing other vampires like that? I know that for ten years, maybe more, I only had eyes for my Duck.

Can I trust Luci or Xander? I don’t want to know what’s in the decade-plus I lost, but I also don’t want to set myself up for heartbreak. I haven’t admitted it to anyone, but learning Duckie and I got married to different people was shocking and upsetting.

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